Where to begin?

Like many good stories, this one started with a tragedy; an unexpected death that violently woke me from the comfortable numbness I used to mask a life I was unhappy living, I will call him Paul for now. Not to leave you hanging, but Paul's death isn’t the story I am here to tell, or one I could tell even if I wanted to. However it is where this journey began.

I worked in mental health my entire adult life, graduating as a psychiatric nurse when I was 20. There were many perks to getting a head start with my career; the money was great, and I have always loved the work and taken a lot of pride in it. Though As one may expect, it came with some costs. I felt obligated to be a "grown up", and the weight of supporting others with their mental health has always felt heavy to me. For most of my career, the pros outweighed the cons, though the last 3-4 years this shifted dramatically as I was slowly driven further and further into a deep state of burnout.

Paul died in August 2022; his death messed with my head in ways I never could have imagined. So I took some time off work in September; at the time I figured it would be about two weeks, though I never actually returned.

Being the skilled overthinker that I am, Paul’s death led to me questioning many aspects of my life, especially my career. It was such a big part of me that Ive always secretly worried that without it I wouldn’t even know who I was anymore. However as time carried on after taking a leave from work, I allowed myself to fully separate from it. I was pleasantly surprise to realized I was still the same person even if I didn’t tirelessly dedicate myself to trying to help others, and that I was missing out on too much of my life.

Looking back now, I see things more clearly. I felt I owed some debt to society based on the extensive medical care I required as a child due to very severe asthma (which I fortunately mostly grew out of despite the odds). The debt existed deep in my own subconscious, I wasn’t even aware it was something I felt until recently. In reality, I don’t think that infant version of myself that practically lived in the hospital actually accumulated some moral debt. And 15 years into my career, I'm pretty sure sure that even if the debt were real, it's long been paid back.

And so, debt free, I was suddenly faced with endless opportunity. I was able to free from a cage of my own design that I felt trapped in for far longer than I realized. Between this realization, and the appreciation for the fleeting nature of life that often follows a loss, I started to feel strongly pulled in a different direction. It started by telling myself I was going to take a bit of space from working in healthcare to figure out what I wanted to do. And although that is still true, several months later it feels like I am not likely to ever return to my previous career. I just don’t want to do it anymore. I feel free.

I lived in Asia for five years as a kid, my favorite being two years spent in Malaysia in my early teens. I’ve always wanted to move back on my own terms, but my career wasn’t compatible with that dream. Without that barrier, I knew with great certainty that it was time to stop living in my head and start living out loud. Time to take a dream I've had for most of my life, and make it a reality. Time to move back to South East Asia.

I’ve left my job. Sold my house and all my belongings, minus some prized possessions which are now indefinitely stored in my best friends crawl space (Thanks Heather). I got a one way ticket to Cambodia and leave in a week.

As I reflect back now on the last several months, I am filled with gratitude towards Paul. The end of his story marked the beginning of this one. Life is full of opportunities, even in the darkest of places, we simply must be brave and wise enough to know when to take that leap. This is my time.